Why is it so laborious to say, “No”?
Properly, for one, disappointing folks feels horrible.
(You hate to be a flake.)
Perhaps your star worker standing is determined by you saying, “Positive, I’ll keep late.”
Additionally, saying sure simply feels simpler, numerous the time.
For instance, while you say “sure, I’ll drive you to rugby,” it means a child who will get to apply on time, and also you returning to a peaceable home.
Nonetheless:
Each time you say “sure” to 1 factor, you’re saying “no” to one thing else.
For instance, while you say “sure” to:
- Watching the youngsters since you really feel responsible asking your partner to commerce off, you additionally say “no” to that gymnasium membership you paid for, however hardly ever use
- Your boss’s midnight requests, anxiously checking your work e mail till late, you additionally say “no” to a full, restful evening’s sleep
- Everybody else’s calls for (hello youngsters, growing older mother and father, and the PTA), you additionally say “no” to these appointments together with your dentist or therapeutic massage therapist
The outcome: You’re feeling like a ragdoll, pulled and tossed in the direction of whoever wants you most. With no sense of your individual priorities, or the respite to are inclined to them, you’re left feeling overwhelmed, overburdened, anxious, and harassed.
(Additionally: Good day, resentment.)
However strive a thought experiment with us:
What in case you flipped your responses—saying “sure” to your self a bit extra usually—and in flip, higher tending to your individual wants and targets?
And, what in case you mentioned “no” to extra of the issues that get in the way in which of that?
Within the following article, we’ll provide three challenges that can assist you try this.
You’ll discover ways to select—with intention—when to say “sure” and when to say “no.”
One higher: You’ll construct the talents to show down requests with out feeling so responsible, insecure, or uncomfortable.
And don’t fear:
This isn’t a 90’s speak show-style confrontation together with your family members. You don’t need to “full makeover” your life. Or inform somebody the place to shove it.
As a substitute, you’ll inch alongside a continuum of “no,” at your individual tempo.
With apply, you’ll discover a place for YOU in your to-do listing, translating to higher well being, deeper restoration, and extra power.
You’ll be able to’t management different folks’s requests of you, however saying “no” is inside your energy. And it’s one of the efficient issues you are able to do to handle stress.
Able to strive it? Let’s go.
Problem #1: Observe your time, power, and a spotlight
One cause you would possibly conform to do too many issues:
You could not truly know the place your time, power, and a spotlight are going.
With out a clear sense of how a lot time you could have in a day—and the way you spend it—it’s straightforward to consider issues like:
“Oh, in fact I can prepare that new worker!”
OR:
“Most days, I don’t even have 5 minutes to myself.”
You would possibly each over- and underestimate how a lot time you could have in a day.
This problem will show you how to see—on paper—the place your time goes. With this info, you’ll be capable to extra consciously resolve the place you need your time to go.
To do it:
Choose a monitoring methodology.
Obtain our Planning and Time Use Worksheet, use a time-tracking app, or create your individual time-tracking system by utilizing a pocket book or calendar.
File your every day actions.
Take note of what drains your power and a spotlight—in addition to what boosts it. This info will come in useful in problem #2.
Analyze your knowledge.
After monitoring for a minimum of a day, have a look at your diary.
Any patterns or surprises? Is your time, power, and a spotlight going the place you’d assumed? Are you spending extra (or much less) time on sure duties than you thought? Lastly, do you be ok with the place your time, power, and a spotlight are going?
When you do that, be sincere, but additionally type to your self. Likelihood is, this process will reveal some uncomfortable truths.
Right here’s an instance of a typical day {that a} shopper—a middle-class dad or mum with a full-time job and three kids beneath 10—shared with us.
| 6:30 AM-8:30 AM | Soar away from bed after hitting snooze, wrangle youngsters, put together breakfast whereas checking work texts and emails from telephone, get youngsters off to high school and daycare |
| 8:30 AM-2:30 PM | Conferences and calls. Skip lunch, work straight by way of |
| 2:30 PM | On telephone to insurance coverage firm whereas answering work emails |
| 3:30 PM | Choose up youngsters from faculty; scarf handfuls of their uneaten lunches whereas driving dwelling to make 4 PM work assembly |
| 4 PM | Work assembly whereas making youngsters after-school snacks and placing in a load of laundry as a result of youngest wants clear soccer uniform for apply at 6:30 PM |
| 5:30 PM | Rushed “dinner” (inhaling meals whereas arguing with partner about who has to drive) |
| 6:20 PM | Hop in automobile whereas yelling at youngsters to rush up; pace to a few completely different practices and classes, one for every child |
| 7:30 PM | Reply work emails and texts whereas on sidelines and sitting in automobile ready for youths |
| 8:15 PM | Again dwelling; uncover one child wants cupcakes for a category birthday tomorrow. Bake one thing from a combination whereas attempting to wash and put youngsters to mattress, evaluation homework, make lunches for tomorrow |
| 10:30 PM | Sit in mattress exhausted, half-watching a real crime present with partner, nonetheless answering work texts and emails |
| 12:30 AM | Lie awake worrying about tomorrow |
As you’ll be able to see, she’s left zero area for… herself.
Not surprisingly, this shopper feels exhausted, overwhelmed, and anxious.
For many individuals, the above problem is transformative.
It helps them see—typically with painful readability—what their lived priorities are.
For instance, the above shopper didn’t consider themselves as a “slave to work.” However her time diary revealed otherwise.
Problem #2: Select (deliberately) tips on how to spend your time
One more reason you would possibly say “sure” as a default response:
You don’t absolutely perceive the tradeoffs.
In different phrases, while you say “sure,” you’re not conscious of every part you’re saying “no” to on the similar time.
This problem helps you get actual with these tradeoffs, and give you a stability of “yeses” and “nos” that higher displays your targets.
To do it:
Create a chart that represents your present actuality.
Take your knowledge from problem #1—and create a pie chart that reveals the way you spend your time, power, and a spotlight on a typical day.
Your pie chart represents 100% of your whole capability. Similar to you’ll be able to’t negotiate a 26-hour day, you’ll be able to’t do greater than 100%.
Your time is finite.
However as you begin including up elements, you would possibly discover that you simply’ve been attempting to stuff 48 hours price of stuff—or extra—into one 24-hour cycle.
Or possibly you’ve been considering your day is generally dedicated to productive actions which are aligned together with your broader values and targets…
… However you then uncover you spend a minimum of an hour a day combating together with your wardrobe (why does nothing match?!), after which one other two hours scrolling by way of “aspirational” health accounts, making you are feeling even worse about your too-tight pants.
In different phrases, earlier than doing this problem, you would possibly assume that your day appears just like the fantasy under:
In actuality, nevertheless, it would actually look extra like this…
No marvel you are feeling crummy. (Most stunning: Wiping your youngsters’ / canine’ butts is the least of your woes!)
Determine in case your pie slices are allotted to belongings you really care about.
Contemplate every part of your chart, and ask your self two questions:
- How a lot time, power, and a spotlight am I giving this proper now?
- How a lot do I WANT to offer? In different phrases, would you like that pie slice to be… greater? Smaller? Or—poof!—gone? What are your hopes right here?
It might assist to consider these questions visually, because the under graphic reveals.
Create your dream pie chart.
This represents the way you need to spend your time, power, and a spotlight. Perhaps your new actuality appears one thing just like the under.
Nonetheless wiping butts (hey, must be finished).
However right here, there’s a stability between output (you caring and offering for others) and enter (you recovering, filling your individual cup).
(And bear in mind: Your time remains to be finite.)
In fact, the above is simply an instance.
Your pie chart will mirror your individual priorities, targets, and values. (Your values are the belongings you take into account most vital, and infrequently drive decisions and behaviors.)
It would take you just a few tries to get your pie chart the way in which you need it.
Mess around with it. Experiment with making some slices a bit greater or smaller till you find yourself with one thing that’s a great match—for you.
Most significantly, your dream pie ought to encourage a sense of “ahhhh.” A sigh of reduction, but additionally a way of pleasure and power.
Subsequent, you’ll work in the direction of tips on how to make that “dream pie” extra of a actuality.
Problem #3: Observe saying no
Along with your superb pie chart in thoughts, you now have a visible that may show you how to resolve what to say “no” to and what to say “sure” to.
However now, you’ll must put it into apply.
And which means studying to truly say “no” to an precise particular person whose opinion issues to you.
Gulp.
However we’ve bought your again, with a apply from Pam Ruhland, considered one of our in-house PN supercoaches, that’ll show you how to ease into saying “no” with extra confidence.
To do it:
Think about some “no” challenges.
Take into consideration the way you’ll flip down requests on your time, power, and a spotlight that sit outdoors of your “pie chart of priorities.”
Undergo some hypothetical eventualities and give you various responses to them. It might assist to consider previous obligations you took on that you simply ended up wishing you’d mentioned no to.
How do you want you’d’ve responded?
Typically, you would possibly wish to maintain your reply brief, saying “No, I don’t have the bandwidth for that.” Or just, “No.” (Sure, “No” is a full sentence!)
Different instances you would possibly wish to mix a “no” with a “sure”—a compromise of types. For instance:
▶ I can’t make that assembly [no to request]. Can we do it at X time as an alternative? [yes to an alternative, or compromise]
▶ I can’t tackle that challenge proper now [no to request], however I do know somebody superior who has a little bit of time proper now and would love the chance [yes, but for someone who wants to say yes].
▶ I can’t converse at that occasion if I’ve to journey [no to request], but when I could be a digital speaker, I’d be blissful to take part [yes, but only under certain conditions].
Contemplate conditions up to now the place it’s been laborious so that you can prioritize your wants, and consider the place alongside the continuum of “no” you would like you’d responded with.
Attempt some mirror apply.
Take a look at your self within the mirror and apply some variations of claiming “no.”
Perhaps, think about that particular person you care about that’s actually stretching you skinny proper now—and say “no” to them.
Enable your self to really feel that uncomfortable feeling that comes up for you while you flip somebody down. Say “no” kindly and respectfully, however firmly.
For instance:
- “I utterly sympathize together with your scenario; I’m simply not accessible.”
- “It’s actually considerate of you to ask, however I can’t do it.”
- “Oh wow, that does look scrumptious. I’m full although.”
- “As I mentioned, I’m not accessible after 6 PM.”
- “I’ve chosen to not drink proper now. Please respect my selection.”
This train would possibly really feel foolish (hi there, you’re speaking to you—in your housecoat no much less) however it nonetheless would possibly convey up some emotion.
You would possibly really feel responsible, self-indulgent, or hear the echoes of a dad or mum who used to let you know it was rude to show down dessert, or lazy to show down work.
Maintain practising within the mirror till the yucky feeling subsides (though it might by no means go away utterly).
Acknowledge how troublesome it may be to so clearly state your boundaries, and provides your self a pat on the again.
It’s showtime! Say “no” in actual life.
Revisit your time diary and select somebody / one thing to say “no” to.
Know this: The primary time would be the hardest. Begin small, in conditions you are feeling assured you’ll be able to deal with.
Positive, some folks may not be blissful together with your response. In any case, they favored having somebody to bail them out—anytime, anyplace.
Nonetheless, you’ll most likely discover that most individuals will settle for your reply and nonetheless such as you—and a few of them will respect you extra.
However the greater payoff?
You are taking again some management over your life.
As a substitute of ready on your child, your boss, or a magic fairy to say to you, “ what? You deserve some YOU time,” you take the reins.
You resolve what’s vital, and elbow that point out for your self.
Whenever you do, you give your self a greater likelihood on the form of life you’ve all the time wished—one with much less stress, anxiousness, and overwhelm, and extra intention, power, and pleasure.
That’s not solely good for you, however for everybody.
When you’re a well being and health coach…
Studying tips on how to assist purchasers handle stress, construct resilience, and optimize sleep and restoration may be deeply transformative—for each of you.
It helps purchasers get “unstuck” and makes every part else simpler—whether or not they wish to eat higher, transfer extra, shed pounds, or reclaim their well being.
And for coaches: It offers you a rarified ability that can set you aside as an elite change maker.
The brand-new PN Stage 1 Sleep, Stress Administration, and Restoration Teaching Certification will present you ways.
Need to know extra?
