Supply: © Erica Busick Batten from Pexels
Softball was one reward my father gave me. He (when he wasn’t drunk) and I spent hours throwing a softball within the asphalt playground subsequent to the condominium constructing through which I grew up. He was nonetheless essential and demanding: You’re throwing like a goddamn lady. Put your weight into it.
Considered one of my favourite reminiscences was that in February, proper after my birthday handed on the mid-month mark, he and I’d take out my softball glove and oil it down with mineral oil till it was soaked. We’d take an previous softball, place it within the pocket of the glove, wrap it tightly with an Ace bandage, and put it within the backside of my closet. Dad defined that this was mandatory as a way to form the pocket of the glove for the upcoming season. Once I obtained to highschool, after he stopped ingesting, after he stopped medicating his despair with the alcohol and have become too depressed to barely get away from bed, he stopped becoming a member of in our ritual. I used to be excited as a result of I’d made the highschool staff, however that hardly moved him. I used to be the pitcher and he by no means got here to see me play.
Softball was how I made it via highschool. That and pot. My staff was divided in a number of methods. A few of us smoked weed, some by no means touched the stuff. Among the staff was homosexual, some have been straight. I used to be confused about my sexuality however had nobody to speak to about my emotions. My father had retreated to his room and my mom was working six days per week to assist us. I’d stumble in from observe, stoned out of my thoughts, eyes cherry pink having smoked on the journey residence, and nobody ever seen.
On weekends I headed over to the condominium of Rachel, my good friend and centerfielder. On a lovely Saturday afternoon, we huddled in her room, doing bongs and listening to Kansas—”Mud In The Wind” and Carry On My Wayward Son.” I nonetheless have these songs on my playlist as a result of they evoke such sturdy reminiscences.
As a result of I needed – and wanted – to get as distant from residence as doable for faculty, however wanted to remain in New York State for monetary causes, I went to SUNY Buffalo. Not the most effective local weather for softball, however they’d a staff. I pitched once more and smoked pot once more, within the dorms each Saturday as we watched “Saturday Evening Dwell” and munched on rooster wings and blue cheese.
Once more I questioned my sexuality and continued to have nobody to talk to. I don’t suppose they’d counseling providers there and even when they did, it by no means would have entered my thoughts to hunt them out. I’d by no means heard of remedy.
I fell into my first job in New York Metropolis at an promoting company as a result of the day I interviewed with them I occurred to go the typing take a look at. My communications diploma from SUNY Buffalo was nugatory. I began in June and joined the corporate softball staff, a part of the well-organized and well-developed NYACSL (New York Promoting Co-Ed Softball League). I used to be an anomaly, a girl who may play ball. I used to be put at second base as a result of the ladies performed second base, pitcher (sluggish pitch), catcher, and quick centerfield. Phrase unfold and shortly I used to be requested to play on a ladies’s company staff made up of ladies from all totally different promoting companies. This staff was referred to as the Adwomen. We grew to become shut on this staff and I miss the cohesiveness we shared. I performed for this staff till I developed anorexia and wanted to be hospitalized. The primary basewoman on this staff launched me to cocaine and I grew to become hooked. The coach was the one who first obtained me into remedy – along with his therapist who turned out to be inept.
We performed in Central Park each Friday night time for six or seven years. I performed third base. Crouched down, prepared for the ball, daring it to return my approach, I discovered myself creeping up towards residence plate till I used to be nearly midway there. Now I understand that was nearly a type of self-harm as I didn’t care whether or not the ball hit me in my face. I simply didn’t care.
A 3rd staff that recruited me to play was a fast-pitch males’s staff that additionally performed in Central Park however on the weekends. I’m unsure how they heard about me, however I used to be invited to check out for them and was accepted. I did discover pleasure in hanging out males who laughed once they initially noticed me on the mound, however loads of the stares and whispers I seen from individuals passing by stirred up my confusion about my sexuality once more.
I didn’t know the right way to deliver the subject up in remedy. I used to be embarrassed and ashamed of something having to do with intercourse. I used to be in my mid-twenties and nonetheless a virgin and I didn’t need to speak about something that might result in my revealing that tidbit about myself.
One season we received the championship and there was a banquet on the finish of the 12 months. I went undefeated that 12 months and was named the league’s Most Helpful Participant. All I may suppose as I stood on the podium accepting my award is that I ought to have worn a costume.
Each March now, I see indicators round my neighborhood for over-40 softball leagues forming and I turn out to be wistful recalling how a lot enjoyable it was to be a part of a staff. Anorexia and psychological sickness stole that from me. As soon as I used to be hospitalized, I by no means went again. I doubt my physique would cooperate now. Previous stress fractures and bronchial asthma and a coronary heart situation aren’t conducive to operating the bases. My left wrist fracture nonetheless hurts and I can’t think about catching a line drive coming straight off the opposing participant’s bat like a bullet.
“Glory days, effectively they’ll go you by
Glory days, within the wink of a younger lady’s eye
Glory days, glory days” —Bruce Springsteen, “Glory Days”
Supply: © Andrea Rosenhaft
